Sunday, June 30, 2013

BROOMS, BATTERIES, AND WHAT-NOTS

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.

Why do we press harder on our TV remote control when we 
know the batteries are flat/

A father spent time explaining to his little girl that Roger was her
half-brother. When Roger came for a visit, the girl stared at him
long and hard and finally whispered, "where's the other half?"

A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the 
wrong time.




Always carry a bowl, in case it rains soup.

Teacher: "if you hold nine oranges in one hand and ten lemons
in the other, what do you have?" Jimmy: "really big hands!"

Why did the duck cross the road? Because the chickens retired
and moved to Florida. 



When Shakespeare moved to his new hone, he named it "New Home"

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars

Saturday, June 29, 2013

MUD, LAKES AND STUFF

Minnesota has 99 lakes named mud lake

Al Capone's older brother Vince was a policeman in Nebraska

Adolph Hitler had his own private 15 car train named Amerika

The most used expression of any language is "OK" 


It's isn't a "big band" unless it has 14 different instruments

None of the characters in Shakespeare's plays smoke

If you refrigerate your rubber bands, they last longer
(how about condoms?) 

A gozzard is a person who owns geese

Thursday, June 27, 2013

GRAB MY NOSE

it's a hot day, too hot for yard work, so gonna play around in blogger world, at least 'til evening. and you luck guys get to play with me.....how lucky can you be???

I grab my nose
with one hand
and my nuts
with the other
and I squeeze
until I give up
on myself
and I scream
my victory

everyone needs a dream

I dream of you




I in every 4 Americans has appeared on T.V.

(not me, are u one of the four?)


More money is spent on gardening than any other hobby

(i have no doubt)

Sunday, June 23, 2013

PIG SAID NO

the pig said no
so all we could do
is eat beef
for a couple of days
or so
until the pig
finally
falls asleep
and 
finally
pork chops

I've never dropped a load I didn't like


On average, there are 333 squares of toilet paper on each roll


Being unmarried can shorten a man's life by ten years

(then why do men usually die before their wives?)

Clio, the muse of history, is as thoroughly infected with lies as a street whore with syphilis.

Schopenhauer 

Friday, June 21, 2013

BREATHE IN AND OUT

breathe in and out
we should do this
several times a day
at least
every other day

it helps keep us
above the ground
and grounded

and, I may add
if I may,
well rounded

has nothing to do
with the sound of
music
but sing along
if we so desire

monkeys ate all the prunes;
don't stand under the trees. 



The most used letter in the English alphabet is "E", and "Q" is the least used


Apples are more efficient than caffeine in keeping people awake in the mornings

(now, get people to give up their coffee for apples in the mornings)
An apple is cheaper than a cup of coffee in most places, but still.....
give up their coffee? Good luck with  that!





Tuesday, June 18, 2013

WROTE HIS NAME

he wrote his name
on her back-side
just below
that divine 
dividing line
in violent
clashing colors
with 
some stuff
that will never
wash off.

she'll never
know.
she never
goes back there
ever 
and he knows.

did you say something?
I think you said something?
care to repeat it?
No?



To know the truth of history is to realize its ultimate myth
and its inevitable ambiguity.

Roy P. Basler 



Sunday, June 16, 2013

BEEN A GOOD LONG WHILE

been a good long while
since I've sucked a tit.

just thought I'd mention it.

I'm not saying.........
but probably wouldn't
turn on one
should one be offered.

it's the little boy in me,
refusing to grow up.

I know, I know!
I'll take my pill now!
my nap time, anyways!

mama, I'm soooo thirsty......



Three of every 4 creatures on Earth are insects

(yum, yum, all that protein) 

The odds of being killed by a dog are 1 in 700,000

Saturday, June 15, 2013

NEWBIES


History must be written of, by and for the survivors

Anonymous 


There are over 58 million dogs in the U.S. 

(Yes, and I've been bitten by half of them)

The average ice berg weighs 20,000 tons




Thursday, June 13, 2013

GLASS HALF-FULL


To succeed in life you need three things:
A wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.

Reba McEntire


The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head

(well, then there's this woman I know)




Tuesday, June 11, 2013

ON A DIET?

After eating, a housefly regurgitates its food and then eats it again.

(on a diet? tape this to your frig, in big red letters!)
I lost 5 pounds just reading it!

maybe regurgitation could be a new diet thingy? 
what ya think? worth a try? you go first.


one of those places flies like to gather.
you know, wherever people gather,
there will be flies.

just another road-side rest-area
where people and flies gather 
share a meal together

this rest area could be anywhere
but is where it is
just the same as anywhere
wherever a rest area is





Sunday, June 9, 2013

BATMAN FAN


Dolphins sleeps with one eye open
(so do I)


Recycling one glass jar saves enough energy to watch T.V. for 3 hours


Thursday, June 6, 2013

LONG SIGNATURE


Forest fires move faster uphill than downhill


There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos



Tuesday, June 4, 2013

POPPING A PIZZA






The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable"






A country without a memory is a country of madmen.

George Santayana 


Sunday, June 2, 2013

THE UNIQUE NEWS

___________________________________________________________________

Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500




Saturday, June 1, 2013

JUST FOR TODAY

today I shot myself
just to see if I bleed
and if it would hurt

I noted yes on both

I'm satisfied I am a success

Midland, South Dakota